America, But Better: Canadian Comedians Take On US Politics

Our “continental BFF’s” are here to save us from ourselves.

Anchor Marco Werman talks to comedians and co-authors Chris Cannon and Brian Calvert about their new book, America, But Better: The Canada Party Manifesto.

The book takes a poke at some of the differences between the countries and suggests that Canada should run for President of the United States.

“We just want to come and help America,” says Calvert, “to fluff its pillows and serve it some soup and just kind of let it rest a bit and let us take the helm for a while.”

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Marco Werman: If it’s August, this must be campaign season. President Obama is on the road in Iowa today. Mitt Romney is stumping in Ohio, but wait, here’s a third candidate in the race for the U.S. presidency, the entire nation of Canada, at least according to Chris Cannon and Brian Calvert. Their new book, “America But Better,” plays out the manifesto of the fictional Canada party as our continental BFF. Canada wants to save us from ourselves, legalizing Marijuana, making hockey the national sport, and declaring war on war are just some of Canada’s campaign promises.

Brian Calvert: We’ll build the Keystone Pipeline, but it will contain maple syrup, so if there’s a spill, at least the animals will be tasty. We’ll change the term “job creators” to “job creationists” and give them seven days to actually create something. Corporations will still be people, but if they can’t provide a birth certificate, they will be legally obligated to care for your lawn. One gay couple will be allowed to marry for each straight couple that gets divorced. Congratulations Nevada, you are now the gayest state in America.

Werman: That was comedian, Brian Calvert, listening to some of the campaign promises from the Canada party. He and co-author, Chris Cannon, are in Vancouver. They wrote “America But Better.” Okay, so you guys want to legalize Marijuana, you want to make hockey the national sport and declaring war on war. Those are some of your campaign promises. What is the most urgent order of business for the Canada party in the United States?

Calvert: Well, once we’re elected, definitely the first thing will be full dental coverage for hockey players.

Werman: That makes sense.

Calvert: That will be pressing, and then second, we’ll probably turn around and invade ourselves because we could use a good regime change up here as well.

Werman: It’s going to be a busy first term for sure.

Calvert: We want the same America we used to have, but better, and that’s why we called it “America But Better.” It’s not Canada being better than America. It’s Canada and America coming together to make America the great country that it has been. We believe that America’s greatest days are ahead of it and we just want to help get there.

Werman: Okay, so what do you guys really appreciate about America, that you think really needs to be underscored and strengthened?

Calvert: A lot of good beaches, warm, sun, yeah, Florida, California.

Werman: Vacation spots.

Calvert: We don’t have a lot of that up here, so that’s pretty much it. We want to assume the presidency so we can get some condo time in Boca I guess. Really, we believe we have the same problems as America and we want to solve our problems and America’s problems and all come together as one great big continent and work towards a better example of the species than we’ve been putting forth over the last decade. It’s gotten kind of ridiculous which is why we attacked the absurdity and the hypocrisy rather than siding with the political parties.

Werman: Now you guys use as we can adequately hear, but I imagine there are quite a few Americans who may take offense at your critique of the political system here. What’s been the reaction to “America But Better?”

Calvert: Well, nobody wants to be on the receiving end of an intervention and this isn’t an invasion, it’s an intervention, and we just want to come and help America, fluff it’s pillows and serve it some soup and let it just kind of rest a little bit, and let us take the helm for awhile. There’s been some drinking going on and we want to take the keys and get you home safe.

Werman: So Brian, I kind of get your motivation here. You’re Canadian. Chris Cannon, though, you’re an American, you’re a former Marine. Is this a case of self-loathing?

Chris Cannon: It’s the opposite. It’s not self-loathing at all. I love America, I dearly love America and Brian does too, and I love Canada, and this is why we see these commonalities and we see so many people working towards the betterment of both countries, and we want to support those people.

Werman: I want to ask you about one big challenge and that is, going metric. You know the U.S. actually had a Congressional order from the ‘70′s to go metric and as you can tell from our road signs, it hasn’t happened. How will Canada get the job done?

Calvert/Cannon: How will Canada make America go metric?

Werman: Yeah.

Calvert/Cannon: Well, we…

Werman: I mean you’re the President. Let’s pretend, right?

Calvert/Cannon: Let’s pretend, why not, all the presidents do. Well, we have a chapter in our book called “The Metric System, Exactly 10 Times More Awesome than Imperial Units,” so we did in our chapter, we’ve created a number of new ways of measuring things that are familiar to the American people such as…

Werman: Right, you’ve got base 10 units of measurement, using elements of pop culture to get Americans used to this idea.

Calvert/Cannon: It’s a transition.

Werman: It’s a transition period. Tell us about the pit ratio and the jolie.

Calvert/Cannon: Okay, are we allowed to cuss here?

Werman: Well, not really.

Calvert/Cannon: Okay, then I might have to skim a few things or beat myself. Well, there’s the pit ratio, which is one pit indicates an equal proportion of looks, talent. A larger pit number indicates handsome, but inept. A smaller number indicates talented, but disfigured, and of course, you have the metric equivalents. You have a thousand millipits which equals one pit which equals .001 kilopits.

Werman: The jolie, the partner going after the power company.

Calvert/Cannon: I know, they scored big over this.

Werman: Oh yeah.

Calvert/Cannon: I know, but jolie is the volume of sex appeal generated by one straight woman to make another straight woman want to make out with her.

Werman: All right, and what about the National Anthem? Would it merge, would you merge Oh Canada with The Star Spangled Banner or would Brian Adams maybe write something?

Cannon: I personally want to go with Peanut Butter Jelly Time. What do you think Brian?

Calvert: I like that.

Cannon: You mean Brian Adams singing Peanut Butter Jelly Time?

Werman: Yeah, I think Brian Adams definitely has to be in the mix. There’s no doubt about that.

Cannon: Awesome.

Werman: Comedians and co-authors, Brian Calvert and Chris Cannon, and their new book “America But Better” is out now. To see videos of the Canada Party Manifesto, come to our website, theworld.org. Chris and Brian, thank you so much.

Calvert/Cannon: Thank you.

Calvert/Cannon: Thank you for having us.

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